In the very forced spirit of the season I took a trip to a Halloween store and was quite surprised by the costumes I found. I mean “Child Wigs”, really? Come on! One Halloween all I had was face paint, that was my costume, paint on my face and whatever outfit I was wearing that day, I was 4. Halloween costumes are out of control these days. Read on to see the highlights…(BTW “Ghostbusters” was playing on the store stereo while I was there)

What’s scary was that I found this hilarious. Of course wearing this costume doesn’t scream festive so much as “asshole”.

Not only is “Duck Dynasty” a thing, it’s a very popular thing. So much so they have not only officially licensed Halloween costumes but knock-off ones as well, for that topical-but-frugal coworker at the office party.

This isn’t appalling so much as really goofy. The female costumes always have sexy models but the male costumes range from attractive man to really dorky man. Seeing the stark contrast in this unisex costume is alarming. It should be noted that despite the fact that he’s kind of weird looking he still manages to pull off a decent “Blue Steel”.

Sexy Bees, am I right? This isn’t the craziest sexy “blank” costume, that runs the gamut and is an article to itself. What makes this particular costume distressing is that it’s based on something young girls wear, so let’s make it sexy for adult women. So much so that this exists…

That’s right, Sexy Bee, Jr. For the lil’ tramp in training. If it wasn’t clear to you from the pictures, yes these Bee costumes are the same company, one costume marketed to adults, one to children, both from the always classy “Leg Avenue”. I wish I was making that up.

Moving on to children’s costumes, I found this to be an odd costume placement. I’m guessing most, if not all, kids are going with Batman over UPS Guy 100% of the time. I could be wrong, this could just be counterprogramming targeted to a sensible and realistic kid. Plus you’d be hard pressed to find a costume that makes UPS Guy seem exciting. I’d rather be Mustard.

Then there’s this kid above. The guy looks nothing like the character he’s playing but his attitude sells it.

That’s a face that says “commitment”. If that kid doesn’t win some kind of strange costume model award for children then I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Unless this “Iron Man” kid is going against him. It’s sad to think that he’ll never have a job as fun as that time his mom made him dress up like “Iron Man” for an afternoon for some stranger with a camera. But, if I had truly had to pick a winner, a child that stands up to them all, then look no further than this frog:

It’s unfair the talent some are imbued with from birth, in rare cases mere seconds from it. These costumes made me smile but there were a few things in the store that I thought were cool. Like this eerie foreshadowing of an upcoming movie, albeit with the wrong actor in the supporting role:

That would’ve been an awesome movie. Oh well. This next costume was cool, not just because it was “Star Wars” but a very specific section of “Star Wars” that most kids or adults are not aware of:

A Death Trooper, or Zombie Stormtrooper for those that aren’t in the know, is a “Star Wars” character(s?) that comes from a book for adults. And yet this is an officially licensed costume for kids! I think that it’s very cool and props to the mom that buys this, you’re okay.

These “Ninja Turtle” costumes are nothing special but I think it’s really cool that they are to this day well represented in the kids costume section. Sadly there were none for adults. But there was this:

A pretty straight-forward “Iron Man” costume for adults, over $50 for cheap plastic and even cheaper fabric but it did have a very cool element if you look closer.

No I don’t mean the Christian Bale look-alike sporting a goatee but the helmet goes around the head completely and the faceplate moves up and down. In my day I would’ve been happy with a cardboard cut-out from the back of a cereal box. This is an iPhone by comparison.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention one costume that I found so terrifying, so disgusting, so vile that I considered not posting it. But it exists and must be shared with the world. Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been warned:

Now we all know what Twerkin’ Teddy is supposed to be. It’s the hot costume for this year, so hot I bet you can’t have just one? Well you can only have one, it’s store policy. And this is what the “holiday” has come to. Halloween is upon us and pretty soon the streets will be crawling with creeps in their walking conversation pieces hoping to catch your eye. Too bad costumes don’t come with personalities, hell who needs that when you can be a Sexy Fish Monger! Trick or treat indeed.